Her Superior 
Intelligence 



A COMEDY 



By 

Ema Suckow Hunting 



MARCH BROTHERS 

LEBANON, OHIO 



f^'"^^.?^ 

^,,^^'' 



Copyright, 1914 
By March Brothers 



TMPS2-C0917C 



SEP 28 1314 

©GI,D ;i8343 



Her Superior Intelligence 



CHARACTERS. 

The Colonel. 

Dick, his nephew. 

Mrs. Marcy, his housekeeper. 

The Colonel is a man of forty, erect, sol- 
dierly and blustering, with a really imposing 
mustache and a martial air. 

Dick is — ^young America at its average best. 

Mrs. Marcy wears the dress of a decorous, 
middle-aged, New England widow. At first 
glance, that is what she appears to be, but fur- 
ther scrutiny reveals the fact that she is dis- 
tinctly good to look upon and that her face, 
when she wishes it, can be most subtle and ex- 
pressive. 

SETTING. 

The comfortable library and living room of 
the Colonel's home in Massachusetts. There are 
two doors, one in the center of the back wall 



4 Her Superior Intelligence. 

leading into the entrance hall, the second at the 
right toward the back communicating with the 
interior of the house. To the right of the hall 
door is an open fireplace, and as the time is 
June, a jar of garden roses occupies the hearth. 
Beside it is a waste paper basket. There are 
books, a couch, a large table well down stage 
left, covered with a man's accumulation of ob- 
jects — books, huge inkstand, pens, more books, 
a small revolving globe, a brass ash tray, a 
draughtsman's drawing board — ^the desk of a 
retired army engineer of studious habits. A 
large armchair stands at the farther side of this 
table, a smaller chair to the left. The extreme 
right of the stage, well down, is held by a small 
card table and two chairs, the housekeeper's low 
willow rocker, and a straight chair for the Col- 
onel, There is a hat rack near the door. 

TIME. 

Towards eight o'clock of a June evening in 
the present — or any recent — ^year. 



Her Superior Intelligence 



[At the small table Mrs. Marcy and the 
Colonel are playing checkers. The gairie pro- 
gresses sloivly, the Colonel making his moves 
after mature deliberation, the housekeeper fol- 
lowing swiftly and cleverly. Clearly, the man 
is getting the worst of it, although the woman 
holds a bit of crocheting in her hands and xvorks 
calmly while he plans his moves. Finally the 
Colonel finds himself with two men and a king 
to but one king of his opponent. The Colonel 
moves; Mrs. Marcy quietly sweeps his men. 
The Colonel, tugging at his mustache, moves 
again. Mrs. Marcy coolly folloivs, penning him 
in. He starts, takes a long breath, frowns pro- 
digiously, and sits glaring at the board. The 
curtains at the hall door are pulled aside, and 
Dick enters.^ 

Dick : Uncle, look here ! I want to see you. 

The Colonel [lifting his hand without 
turning^ : Silence 1 



6 Her Superior Intelligence. 

Dick : But, I say — I want to — 

The C01.ONEL : Silence, sir ! 

Dick : Oh, all right ! 

The Colonel: Read the papers, Dick — 
read the papers. 

\_Dick, good natured again, comes behind 
Mrs. Marcy and loolcs across her shoulder at the 
game. The Colonel still glares and tugs at his 
mustache; the housekeeper crochet s.^^ 

Dick: What's the use. Colonel? Might as 
well give up — she's got you now no matter what 
you do. \^He strolls over to the big table and 
picks up a newspaper. 1 

The Colonel [withdrawing his hand as he 
is about to move^ : You are wrong. You are 
entirely and absolutely wrong. 

\_He looks again at the board. An expres- 
sion of bewilderment crosses his face; he glances 
at the housekeeper. She crochets quietly ^ her 



Her Superior Intelligence. 7 

face blank. Still refusing to admit himself 
beaten, he rises and marches back and forth 
across the hearth rug. She turns and looks at 
him, meeting his eyes with a smile. He squares 
himself and prepares to take his medicine like 
a man. As he leans forward to make the fatal 
move, Dick interrupts.^ 

Dick: By Jove, those women ought to be 
exterminated ! 

The Colonel [turning round, glad of the 
interruption'] : Those women? 

Dick : English suffragettes. Of all the dis- 
graceful, idiotic — why, just listen to this — 

The Colonel: I refuse to listen. 

Dick: You refuse — Wh}^, great Scott, un- 
cle, you don't mean to say that you uphold 
them ? 

The Colonel: I do not. 

Dick: You do not.^^ 



8 Her Superior Intelligence. 

The Colonel: I do not. 

Dick: You do not what.? 

The Colonel: I do not — er — I do not re- 
fuse to listen ! 

Dick: Well, holj cats! 

The Colonel: No, sir — I repeat, I do not 
refuse to listen. I believe in the freedom of the 
press as the great and fundamental bulwark of 
our nation, the cornerstone upon which our insti- 
tutions are reared and flourish. You may deny 
it as you will — 

Dick: But who's talking about the freedom 
of the press? It's the suffragettes that I'm ob- 
jecting to. Why, they are going the limit over 
there ! Just listen to this — 

The Colonel : Stop, sir ! I refuse to be 
a party to the scurrilous and absurd libels prop- 
agated and disseminated by the press of this 
country ! Malicious distortions of the truth 



Her Superior Intelligence. 9 

and unscrupulous catering to the vicious tastes 
of the public have rendered our journals the 
laughing stock of the world ! 

Dick : But, look here ! I thought you said — 

The C01.ONEI.: I did not, sir. You are 
absolutely — in error. [He takes a cigar from 
his pocket and bites off the end.^ 

Dick: But about these suffragettes, uncle. 
Why, it's fierce! They go around burning and 
smashing and blowing things up, making spec- 
tacles of themselves and upsetting business con- 
ditions, and those guys over there can't do a 
thing with them. Put 'em in jail and they 
starve themselves ; let them out and they get up 
a riot. Why, you can't approve of that sort 
of thing. 

The Colonel: Absolutely. 

Dick: What.? You don't mean to tell me — 

The Colonel: Absolutely. [He has lit the 
cigar and puffs at intervals, making a face at 



10 Her Superior Intelligence. 

each draw as the tobacco nips his tongue.^ 
Woman is the natural, the predestined arbiter 
of the fate of mankind. Every qualitj'^ of body 
and mind which she possesses fits her for that 
position. To the untrained intellect, it would 
seem at first glance that the superior muscular 
strength of the male gives him the advantage; 
but the conclusion is false, sir, on the face of it. 
What does society demand as civilization pro- 
gresses.^ Immense muscular vitality, the brute 
strength to fell trees and propel watercraft.^^ 
The crude energy necessary to win in hand-to- 
hand conflict with the forces of Nature or other 
brutes ? Ridiculous, sir ! Endurance — the pe- 
culiar quahty of a woman's make-up ; skill, 
diplomacy, shrewdness, tenacity of purpose 
which seems to jaeld but never breaks ; imagina- 
tion, insight, a marvelous appreciation of the 
peculiarities and weaknesses of others — ^these are 
the qualities, sir, which woman pre-eminently 
possesses and which our civilization demands ! 

Dick; Well! But that hasn't anything to 
do— 



Her Superior Intelligence. 11 

The Colonel: Incontestably, sir! Woman 
— the final and perfect creation of Omnipotence ! 
To whom, sir, in moments of despair, of tri- 
umph, of defeat — from the cradle to the grave 
our inseparable companion, inspiration and 
guide! — I repeat, sir, to whom in moments of 
hesitation, of doubt — 

l^The ColoneVs cigar has developed a long 
ash. He is holding it out at arm^s length, 
vaguely feeling the need of an ash tray. Mrs, 
Marcy has risen quietly, crossed to the library 
table, and brought the tray unnoticed, standing 
juM bach and to one side of the speaker, holding 
it ready. ^ 

— of need — to whom do we turn — 

\^His fingers encoumter the tray. He turns, 
surprised. She looks at him quite without sig' 
nificance. He meeldy deposits the ash.^ 

— ah — Mrs. Marcy, 3^es — ^yes, to be sure. 
Ahem! 



12 Her Superior Intelligence. 

[Mrs. Marcy returns the tray to its place, 
goes hack to her chair, and quietly resumes her 
crocheting.] 

Dick: That's all very well in general, but 
it doesn't touch the case of these crazy English- 
women — though, by Jove, if I had to spend 
my days with the average Englishman, I'd 
kick, too. I don't know that I blame them. 

The Colonel [recovering himself ~\ : The 
attempted use of force by women is, as I wa« 
saying, entirely inexcusable. 

Dick : But I thought — 

The Colonel: Entirely! Her invincible 
weapon is, unquestionably, her superior intel- 
ligence. [Mrs. Marcy lets her work fall to her 
lap; she listens intently y a peculiar smile on her 
lips.] Man learns simply by experiment — 
woman knows by instinct. The woman who wins 
is invariably the woman who never bullies, co- 
erces, drives, nags or pleads ; she simply fol- 
lows her intuition, arrives at a conclusion — and 



Her Superior Intelligence. 13 

waits for the man to catch up with her! [He 
walks to the table y deposits the stub of his 
cigar in the tray, and resumes his pacing, en- 
tirely pleased with himself. Mrs. Marcy sits 
motionless, lost in thought. Dick stirs impa- 
tiently. ~\ 

Dick : But all this talk about woman, 
lovely woman, God bless her ! has nothing to do 
with the discussion. 

The Colonel: On the contrary, it has 
everything to do — with 'the discussion. 

Dick : Oh, prunes ! 

The Colonel: Have prunes anything to 
do with the discussion? 

Dick [enthusiastic again^ : No, not prunes 
— pecans ! 

The Colonel: Pecans? 

Dick: You bet! Look here, uncle, for 
heaven's sake sit down. I want to talk to you. 



14 Her Superior Intelligence. 



and how can a fellow talk when jou march up 
and down like an officer on parade? 

The Colonel: If you have anything to 
say, Dick, the mere fact of my moving about 
from time to time can't inconvenience you. 

Mrs. Marcy [^resuming her crochet'mg and 
speaking without raising her eyes J : Besides, the 
Colonel can't tliink except when he is on his 
legs. 

The Colonel: C-can't think.? In the name 
of reason, Mrs. Marcy, what have my legs to 
do with my brains .^^ \_He marches over to his 
chair and plants himself firmly upon it.^ Now, 
sir, whatever it is, say it distinctly and don't 
mince matters. You can't be suspended again 
now that you have, by the mercy of God, grad- 
uated. What is it.? 

Dick: It's not a scrape, uncle, on the dead. 
It's just — 

Mrs. Marcy ^half risingi : Shall I go, Mr. 
Dick.? 



Her Superior Intelligence. 15 

The C01.ONEL : Keep your seat, ma'am, keep 
your seat! 

Dick: No, don't go; I may need you — 
again. [^He wmks at her, hut she resumes her 
seat and her work, unmoved.^ It's just this, 
uncle — I've got the greatest thing in the world 
right by the tail! It's the one chance left in 
this country for a young chap with only a 
little capital and some muscles on his bones. 
Why, that country down there is immense. 
There isn't a thing the matter with it, and the 
few things that are the matter with it are all 
advantages. Why, I can show you how in 
three years a fellow can pay for his land and 
improvements, have money in the bank and a 
cracking good little income besides, and all the 
time — What's the matter? 

The Colonel : What under the canopy are 
you talking about, young man? 

Dick: Why, this land, this proposition — 

The Colonel [roaring'] : What land? 
What proposition? 



16 Her Superior Intelligence. 

Dick : Well, keep your shirt on — I beg your 
pardon! I mean — look here, uncle, you've been 
bully to me ever since I was a little shaver — yes, 
you have now — you can't deny that! You 
and ]Mrs. Marcy between you have brought me 
up, and nobody can tell me it was any cinch. 
And you've sent me to college and somehow or 
other I've gotten through with a degree — 

The Colonel: A very small degree of 
honor, sir ! 

Dick : Oh, I don't know ! That depends on 
how you look at it. I carried off a few blue 
ribbons in football, didn't I? 

The Colonel [snorting^ : Football ! An 
affair of biceps, not brains ! 

Dick [eagerly] : That's it — ^that's what I 
mean. Biceps — muscles — that's what I've got; 
and the brains to use them. Well, now, see here. 
I know what you want me to do — what you've 
always planned I should do; finish college, then 
go to Tech, then take the position you could 



Her Superior Intelligence. 17 



swing for me as army engineer and make the 
same kind of a rep that you miade. Well — 

The Colonel: Well? 

Dick : Well — I can't do it. 

The Colonel: You can't — What do you 
mean, sir? 

Dick: I mean — that I'm not made for it; 
I'm not that kind — I couldn't built a fortifica- 
tion in a thousand years — I — why, I'd be a dub 
at that sort of thing 1 I haven't any head for 
mathematics, uncle — I can't keep my accounts 
straight I 

The Colonel: I should say you can't 1 

Dick: Well — there you are! I'm sorry. 
I've gone along thinking I could do it when the 
time came and pull through somehow so you 
wouldn't be ashamed of me. I knew you had 
your heart set on my going into the government 
service and making a name for myself as you 
did, and I'd a heap rather take my medicine 
than disappoint you. 



18 Her Superior Intelligence. 

The Colonel: Nonsense, sir! 

Dick: Yes, I would — if I wasn't sure I'd 
disappoint you anyhow and a lot worse if I 
went into the thing and then fizzled out. 

The Colonel: Then why the blazes fizzle 
out? I beg your pardon, ma'am! When I was 
your age, sir, young men took a different tone 
in speaking of their future careers ! 

Dick : But don't you see — 

The Colonel: Of course I see! It's the 
spirit of the age, sir, the miserable, grasping, 
money-getting spirit, that is not content with 
work and fame and the service of the common- 
wealth, but must pile up for itself a fortune 
to waste in extravagance and fool philanthropy I 
The spirit that scorns the government service, 
sir, and raises the flag of personal gain in place 
of the Stars and Stripes ! 

Dick: But — 



Her Superior Intelligence. 19 

The Colonel: Be silent, sir! A pretty 
pass our nation has reached when its young men 
despise its service and — 

Mrs. Marcy: And besides, Dick, you can't 
expect a man who has made an honorable career 
for himself in one line to realize that there are 
honorable careers to be made in other lines. 

The Colonel: What — what's that, Mrs. 
Marcy? Do you mean to tell me that I am a 
narrow, bigoted, set-in-his-tracks old idiot who 
can't see more than one thing at a time ? 

Mrs. Marcy: And besides, you can't blame 
your uncle for forgetting that you are not his 
own son and that it isn't your fault if you are 
not exactly like him. 

The Colonel: Exactly like me — like mef 
Good Lord, I should hope not, ma'am. 

Mrs. Marcy: And so, Dick, you mustn't 
ever expect that your uncle will consent to your 
choosing your work in the world — as he chose 
his. 



20 Her Superior Intelligence. 

\_Silence. Mrs, Marcy placidly crochets; 
the Colonel stares at her. Wrath, disappoint- 
ment, bewilderment, struggle in his face; but at 
last contrariness wins. With the air of disdain- 
ing to answer so woraanish a speech, the Colonel 
folds his arms, and glares at his nephew.] 

The Colonel: Well, sir, how much longer 
are jou going to keep us waiting? Why don't 
you tell us about this land ? Where is it ? 

Dick: In Florida. I tell you, uncle, it's 
the biggest thing on earth ! You can raise any- 
thing there. 

The Colonel: Florida.? 

Dick: Florida — sure. 

The Colonel: You can raise malaria and 
niggers there — that's what 3^ou can raise. 

Dick: Ah — ^that's just it! Why can you 
raise malaria.'^ Because there are swamps. 



Her Superior Intelligence. 21 

The Colonel: You know there are! 

Dick : Well, then, steer clear of the swamps 
and buy hammock land. 

The Colonel: Hammock land.? 

Dick: Yes — high hammock land. 

The Colonel: Hammock land! Well, 
that explains it. I wondered why those South- 
erners were so danged lazy. Hammock land! 

Dick: Oh, you don't understand! Ham- 
mock land is high, rolling land covered with a 
growth of hard wood. 

The Colonel : What do you want to do on 
it—roll? 

Dick: No — farm. 

The Colonel : Farm — in the woods ? 

Dick: Well, not exactly farm. I want to 
raise nuts. 



21 Her Superior Intelligence. 

\Mrs. Marcy, smiling to see the two deep in 
talk, glances at the clock, folds away her work 
and leaves the room by the door on the right, ^ 

The Colonel: Nuts? Shucks! 

Dick: Pecans — paper-shelled pecans. 

The Colonel: Paper-shelled? Well, what 
you going to do with them — feed them to the 
squirrels in the hard wood trees? 

Dick: Not much. I'm going to sell 'em. 
And that's another thing — ^the timber alone on 
that land is worth the price of it. The first 
thing I'm going to do is to cut it all off. 

The Colonel: And set out the nuts around 
the stumps? 

Dick : I should say not ! Why, those stumps 
alone will bring me in enough to pay for clearing 
the land. 

The CoLONEi.: The stumps? Come off! 



Her Superior Intelligence. 23 

Dick: Sure. I'll sell 'em to a turpentine 
company. Why, I'll bet you those stumps are 
worth ten dollars apiece ! 

The Colonel: Then why don't you raise 
stumps ? 

Dick : Then of course I'll have to break the 
land and put in fertilizer; and that's where the 
niggers come in handy. 

The Colonel: Well, it's the only thing I 
ever heard of that niggers were good for! 

Dick: You don't understand, uncle! I'U 
get a nigger or two to break the land, see.'' And 
then plant cow peas and sweet potatoes — 

The Colonel: But how about the fertili- 
zer.? 

Dick: The sweet potatoes and peas are the 
fertilizer. 

The Colonel: Great heavens! Do you 
mean to tell me that I ate fertilizer for my 
dinner to-night .f* 



24 Her Superior Intelligence. 

Dick : No, no, no — ^listen ! Y ou plant the 
sweet potatoes and the cow peas. Then you take 
oiF the first crop. Then the vines, see? you plow 
under, and they put into the land just what it 
lacks, and — ^there you are 1 Why, that first crop 
alone will keep a chap the first year ! 

The Colonel: Who told you so.? 

Dick: All the land agents. Then the next 
fall you set out your shoots, forty feet apart. 

The Colonel: Shoots .f' 

Dick : Pecan trees — 'bout three feet high. 

The Colonel: You set out pecan shoots, 
three feet high, forty feet apart .^^ How much 
land you going to have? 

Dick: Oh — not much. Forty acres. You 
see, these pecan trees grow to be immense. Why, 
in ten years two of 'em will almost meet across 
that forty feet. 

The Colonel: Ten years? Can't you get 
a crop for ten years ? 



Her Superior Intelligence. 25 



Dick: No, of course not. You've got to 
give the trees time to grow. But that's the 
beauty of that country. Instead of starving 
around for ten years waiting for something to 
bring you in the cash, what do you think you do? 

The Colonei. : Starve the first year. 

Dick: Not much! You plant orange trees. 

The Colonel: Orange trees? Where? 

Dick: Between the pecan trees. Why, I 
bet you that five years before the pecans are 
ready to bear I'll have an income of — 

The Colonel [getting interested] : Hold 
on, now ! Don't the orange trees have to grow? 

Dick: Sure they do — can't get a crop for 
four years. 

The Colonel: Then you've still got time 
to starve. 



26 Her Superior Intelligence. 

Dick : Huh — that's all you know about it. 
Look here — what do you think you put between 
the orange trees? 

The Colonel: Between the — Look here, 
boy, if you're stringing me — 

Dick [excited, moving objects about on the 
desk to illustrate^ : Stringing your grand- 
mother! Sec here — here are the pecans, forty 
feet apart ; here is an orange tree set right be- 
tween them; now, you can't waste all that land 
around the trees. What would you raise there? 

The Colonel [vaguely^ : Why, er — er — 
chickens ? 

Dick: By Jove, uncle, you've hit it the 
first shot! 

The Colonel: What? Do you mean to 
tMl me that you are actually going to raise 
chickens? 

Dick : You bet your sweet life I am ! Why, 
look here — why don't chickens lay in the win- 



Her Superior Intelligence. 27 

ter? Too cold. Why are eggs high in the 
winter.? No eggs. Answer — Take your chick- 
ens south and have eggs in the winter. Second 
point — What makes chicken raising expensive.'^ 
Coops for food. Answer — Let the chickens roost 
in the trees and scratch for their food. Third 
point — What is the best food for cHckens.? 
Bugs. What is the worst enemy of orchards.'^ 
Bugs. Answer — Let the chickens cat the bugs. 
Why, I bet you that one hen alone will keep 
me in sox and tobacco for ten ycsirs ! And that 
isn't all. 

The Colonel: It's too much — for me! 

Dick : Here's say twenty acres of ground set 
out in trees. We'll give the cliickens ten acres. 
That leaves ten acres; and on those ten acres 
we'll raise — 

The Colonel: Careful now — 

Dick: Violets! 

The Colonel: What? Ten acres of vio- 
htsf 



28 Her Superior Intelligence. 

Dick : Sure ! Violets need the shade. There 
you have your trees making it shadier every 
year — 

The C01.ONEI. : But what the blazes will you 
do with the violets ? 

Dick: Take 'em to Palm Beach and sell 
'em to the nabobs ! 

The Colonel [collapsing^ : You've got me, 
Dick — you've got me ! 

Dick [rising with the air of having Florida 
in his side pocket~\ : Oh, I knew you'd see it, 
uncle. It's a great country — a great little 
country, believe me ! 

The Colonel [recovering^ : Dick ! 

Dick: Yes, sir.^ 

The Colonel: Just what do you want to 
do.? 

Dick [seriously^ : I want to go down there 
this fall and try my luck, uncle. I haven't any 
head for engineering — I'm sorry, but I haven't; 



Her Superior Intelligence 29 



and business — stroking down the rich guys with 
one hand and squeezing the poor ones with the 
other — I'd last about two weeks at that. But 
I know I can make things grow ; and I love the 
out of doors and a soft shirt and looking every 
man right straight between the eyes and not 
owing him a cent or a favor ! So what I want 
is this, uncle — lend me two thousand dollars at 
six per cent, for five years, and I'll go down 
there and make good. 

The Colonel [rising and holding out Ms 
hand] : All right, Dick— I'll do it. 

Dick : You'll — y-y-you'U do it — 

The Colonel : You heard me, sir. I hope 
you don't dispute my word.^ 

Dick: But there's one tiling — ^there's one 
thing, uncle, before we make the bargain. 

The Colonel: What's this — what's this.? 

Dick : I won't go and leave you alone. 



30 Her Superior Intelligence. 

The Colonel: You won't go and — ^You'll 
do what I tell you to! 

Dick : I won't go and leave you alone ! 

The Colonel : What the blazes — You don't 
mean to tell me — me — ^to go down there and 
gather the eggs? 

Dick: No, sir — I want you to get married. 

The Colonel: Married — married, sir? Do 
you dare look me in the eye and say married? 

Dick: Sure — if you can find any one to 
have you. [^Speechless, the Colonel drops bach 
into his chair, breathing hard and glaring into 
space.] Why, look here, uncle, it's the sanest 
thing in the world. Here am I wanting to go 
off and make my way as a fellow ought to do; 
and here are you with your foi'tune made and a 
pretty blame good one, too, not too old to marry, 
but too old to want to go into a raw country; 
comfortable home, old friends living around, 
congenial work getting out your book — it would 



Her Superior Intelligence. 31 

be a crime to drag jou down there. On the 
other hand, I just simply won't go and leave 
you alone ; but if you were married — ^Why , look 
here, uncle, there would be a dozen women 
tickled to death to marry you — and think what 
a relief it would be to me! 

The Colonel; And think what a picnic it 
would be for me — married to a dozen women ! 

Dick: Oh, prunes! You know what I 
mean. Why, I don't understand it. Here you 
are, perfectly willing to lend me two thousand 
dollars, and yet you won't do me a little favor 
like getting married ! 

[Mr*. Marcy enters m time to hear the last 
words. She carries a handsome silver coffee tray 
on which is a coffee pot, three cups and saucer s, 
creamy sugar and a plate of small cakes,^ 

Mrs. Marcy {^pausingl : Getting married? 
Who's talking of getting married .^^ 

Dick: I am, Mrs. Marcy. 



32 Her Superior Intelligence. 

Mrs. Marcy: You are, Mr. Dick.? I'm so 
glad ! Who is she ? 

Dick [^taking the tray'\ : Oh, no, no — no, 
you don't understand. I'm talking of it, but it 
is the Colonel who is going to be married. 



Mrs. Marcy: The Colonel — going to be- 
married "^ 



The Colonel: No, no — Dick, hold your 
tongue, sir ! I married 1 The idea is prepos- 
terous ! 

Dick : It's like tliis, Mrs. Marcy — Uncle has 
been the best old sport in the world and promised 
I shall go south and get my start; but how the 
dickens can I go off and leave him alone up 
here in Massachusetts.? I say the thing for him 
to do — the only fair thing toward me — is to get 
married. 

Mrs. Marcy: Oh! So the idea is yours, 
Dick.? [She comes slowly down to the small 
table.'\ 



Her Superior Intelligence. 33 

Dick : Sure. But you can see how sensible 
it is, can't yon? 

The Colonel: Preposterous! 

Mrs. Marcy ^taking up the checker hoard 
and carrying it to the large table^ : 'No — I can't 
say I do, Mr. Dick. [She puts the board down 
hy the Colonel's elbow. ^ I agree with the 
Colonel — the idea is preposterous. 

The Colonel [bridling] : Eh? 

Dick: But look here — 

Mrs. Marcy [^returning to her tray and 
setting out the cups, etc.~\ : Quite preposterous! 
Quite! A man of the Colonel's age — 

Dick: Why, he's just barely forty, and lots 
of old chaps — 

The Colonel [preening his mustachel : It 
is true, ma'am, that I have, thank God, passed 
safely through the period of youthful lunacy; 
but I flatter myself that I am not as yet- — er — 
obsolete. 



34 Her Superior Intelligence. 

Mrs. IMarcy: Oh, in years, Colonel! I 
meant in experience, in gravity — 

The Colonel: Aheml 

Mrs. Marcy: A man of your standing, 
even fame — 

The Colonel: Ahem! 

Mrs. Marcy: Your knowledge of the 
world — 

The Colonel: A — a — ^hem! 

Mrs. Marcy : Your intellectual brilliancy — 

The Colonel: A — a — hem! 

Mrs. Marcy [softly] : Surely you can't 
care for — ^love — and such — foolishness? 

The Colonel: No, no — -ahem! — ^by no 
means — I — I — ahem ! 

Dick : Such foolishness ! Do jon think love 
is foolishness? 



Her Superior I ntelligence. 35 

Mrs. Marcy [turning suddenly to the Col- 
onel'] : Do jou? 

The Colonel: I — I? Ahem! Er — cer- 
tainly, certainly, madame ! [Fie blows his nose 
violently.] 

Mrs. Marcy [going back to the coffee]: 
Ah ! You see, Mr. Dick, I was right. 

The Colonel: At the same time — at the 
same time, ma'am, I consider it every man's duty 
to marry. 

[Dick starts forward with an exclamation; 
Mrs. Marcy, with a touch on his arm, restrains 
him. He looks at her, 'puzzled, and she lays a 
■finger on her lips. A light breaks upon him; 
his lips pucker in a noiseless whistle and he bolts 
to the back of the room, where he stands with 
his back to the others.] 

The Colonel [unconscious of this byplay, 
continuing to orate] : His duty, ma'am — most 
emphatically ! However much he may be — er — 



36 Her Superior Intelligence. 

personally inconvenienced; however much he 
may prefer — er — peace, ma'am — peace and com- 
fort— 

Mrs. Marcy: But surely, Colonel, for the 
sake of a mere duty you would not sacrifice your 
peace and comfort? 

The CoiiONEi, [^with mild condescension^ : 
You forget, ma'am, it would not be necessary 
to sacrifice peace and comfort, but rather to 
augment it, ma'am, as it were — ahem ! — aug- 
ment it ! — if one found the right woman. 

Mrs. Marcy: Oh, yes — the right woman! 
[His coffee is ready. She has been particular 
about the exact amount of cream and sugar. She 
takes up the cup now and carries it around the 
table to him, looking him smilingly in the eyes 
as she holds it out.'\ But where will 3^ou fhid 
the right woman, Colonel.^ 

The C01.0NEL [sadly] : AH, yes — where? 
Where, indeed? 



Her Superior Intelligence. 37 

\_FIe takes the cup from her hand, sets it on 
the table beside him, and ahsentmindedly stirs 
the coffee, looking straight ahead. She lingers 
a moment, then goes back to the small table. '\ 

Dick {^coming forward^ : Well, it's a cinch 
you'll never find her by staring straight ahead 
of you ! Look around, man — look around 1 

The Colonel [^starting'] : Eh? 

Mrs. Marcy [hastily^ : Your coffee, Mr. 
Dick? 

The Colonel [jrousing himself and taking 
a sip of the coffee^ : Ah, yes — look around ! 
I've been looking around, my boy, for twenty 
years. 

Dick: Twenty years? 

The Colonel: I — I must confess, Dick, 
this — marrying idea — ahem! — is not entirely 
new to me. I have — considered it, considered it. 

Dick: Is that right, uncle? 



38 Her Superior Intelligence. 

The Colonel: In fact, at one time I — ■ 
but she was quite right, quite right. She was 
unquestionably not the right woman. Ah^ — just 
a drop more of that coffee, Mrs. jMarcy, if you 
please. 

[Mrs. MarcT/ takes up the coffee pot and 
comes to fill his cup.] 

Dick: Well! That hasn't anything to do 
with trying to find the right woman now. 

The Colonel : There is where you are mis- 
taken. There is an obstacle, sir — I may say 
an insuperable obstacle. I may even say, with- 
out exaggeration, a prohibitive obstacle. 

\_Mrs. Marcy, halving poured his coffee, 
stands behind him, forgetting to bring the cream 
and sugar,] 

Dick: An obstacle .^ You're joking! 

The Colonel: Huh! Do you consider my 
name, sir, a joke? 



Her Superior Intelligence. 39 

Dick: Your name? 

The Colonel : My name ! Will you kindly 
consider for a moment what my name is? In 
the first place, my given name. What is it? 

Dick : You know as well as I do — Percival. 

The Colonel: Percival — Percival! For 
me — me! "Percy !" Did you ever, sir, encoun- 
ter a cognomen so — idiotically and reprehensibly 
preposterous — as Percival for me? 

Dick : Well, I — really, uncle, I never consid- 
ered it. 

The Colonel: Ah! Well, I have! [He 
rises and begins his march across the hearth rug, 
tugging at his mustache.^ Impossible to re- 
tain the name — equally impossible to dispense 
with a given name altogether. The result was 
the initial, P. And what, mav I ask you, sir, 
is my surname? 

Dick: Why— Nuttz. 



40 Her Superior Intelligence. 

The Colonel: Nuttz — exactly, sir! P. 
Nuttz ! Peanuts ! I repeat, sir. Peanuts ! And 
when after arduous endeavors, I reached some 
eminence in my profession, they added insult 
to injury and gave me the title of Colonel. 
Colonel ! Colonel Nuttz! Can you conceive, sir, 
of an\rthing more outrageously and inordinately 
preposterous.? 

Dick: Colonel — Oh, I say! Colonel P. 
Nuttz ! By Jove, I — Hahaha ! \^He goes off 
into a roar of laugJiter.'} I beg your pardon, 
uncle, but really I never thought — Peanuts! 

The Colonel: You see — exactly what I 
said — prohibitive, absolutely. 

Dick [controlling himself with difjiculty'\ : 
Oh, no, uncle, not prohibitive — ^just f -funny — 
[Another roar,!^ 

The Colonel: The same tiling — ^the same 
thing, in affairs of this sort. I may admit, sir, 
that I offered myself. She — laughed. "But 
think of my visiting cards!" she said. "Oh, 



Her Superior Intelligence. 41 

I could never do it. I should feel like the other 
half of a popcorn wagon !" 

Dick : Well, but— 

The Colonel: I tell you, sir, the obstacle 
is prohibitive. \^He strides back to his chair and 
takes up his cup. Mrs, Marcy brings the cream 
and sugar. He looks helplessly from his cup 
to the sugar bowl.^ Er — do I like one lump, 
ma'am, or two? 

Mrs. Marcy: Three. 

\_He puts three lumps into the coffee, stirs 
it and tastes it. He nods with satisfaction, and 
Mrs. Marcy returns to her own coffee.J 

Dick: But, look here, uncle — surely there 
is some woman who knows you well, who is used 
to your name like me. Why, I never thought. 
I just thought — N-u-double t-z — why, that's 
nothing. Of course, some fool slip of a girl — 
girls are fools anyhow — but a woman, a woman 
with sense, who knows you, and knows your 
ways and your tastes — 



42 Her Superior Intelligence. 

The Colonel: Ah, my boy, there is just 
one woman in the world for me! 

\_Mrs. Marcy pauses with Tier coffee cup half 
way to her lips. Dick leans forward.^ 

Dick : You don't mean to tell me, uncle, that 
it is that — ^that popcorn girl? 

The Colonel: Heaven forbid, sir. The 
woman has grown fat — unqualifiedly fat. I re- 
gard her decision as an escape. 

Dick : But then — ^who is she? 

The Colonel : Ah ! I don't know. 

Dick : You don't — say, what you giving me? 

The Colonel: The truth. I do not know 
who she is, nor where she is. But somewhere, 
sometime, I shall see her — and I shall know her 
directly. 

Dick: Well, that's too much for me. 



Her Superior Intelligence. 43 

The Colonel: I will explain. Directly 
after the — er — incident to which I referred — 
the escape, you understand — for the first and 
only time in my life I consulted a clairvoyant. 

Dick: A clairvoyant? 

The Colonel: Exactly — ^to ascertain my 
future, matrimonially. 

Dick: Yes? 

The Colonel: Yes. The clairvoyant went 
into a trance, consulted the spiritual voices, and 
gave me this assurance: "Your name is the 
key to the riddle of your fate. Find the woman 
whose name tallies with yours and you will find 
complete happiness." 

Dick: "Find the woman whose name tallies 
with yours?" 

The Colonel: Exactly. 

Dick : But what the dickens does that mean? 



44 Her Superior Intelligence. 

The Colonel: Tallies, sir — dovetails — ^fits 
in — completes it — belongs with mine ! For ex- 
ample, if it were possible to find a lady whose 
name was — er — Brazil, I should know at once 
that her other name ought to be Nuttz! 

Dick [disgusted^ : Oh, piffle ! Why don't 
you look for some one named Nigger Toe? 

\_There is an interruption — a crash, Mrs* 
Marcy has dropped her empty cup and it has 
broken into a dozen pieces. She stoops hastily 
to gather them up.J^ 

Dick [springing up^i I say, Mrs. Marcy, 
you dropped your cup! 

The Colonel [also risingi : You broke it ! 

Mrs. Marcy \_on her knees'} : Really ! And 
I hope I can break cups if I want to! Why do 
you stand and look at me? 

Dick : But, look here — let me help — 



Her Superior Intelligence. 45 



Mrs. Marcy: No, no, no! For goodness 
sake, go on! 

Dick: Well! 

The C01.0NE1.: There, there, my boy! 
Women get excited about little things like that 
— when you know them as well as I do, you will 
overlook such trifles. 

Dick [resuming Ids chairl : She needn't 
bite my head ofF ! But I say, this other half 
proposition. You have never found her — how 
do you know you ever will.^^ 

The Colonel: I don't know that I ever 
wiU. 

Dick : Well, then ; 

The Colonel: But I know that I will never 
marry until I do ! Now, don't argue with me, 
sir — not a word! A man's judgment in such 
cases goes for absolutely nothing; and I will 
never risk matrimony until led by a higher 
power ! 



46 Her Superior Intelligence. 

Dick [jumping up^ : Well, then, bj Jove, 
uncle, if you won't marry until we find her, 
we've got to go and -find her! 

The Colonel: Go and find her? Prepos- 
terous ! 

Dick: Not at all! See here — you've lived 
here now, you and Mrs. Marcy and me, for ten 
years ; you know every woman for miles around ; 
have you found the right woman here? 

The Colonel [slowly^ : No, Dick — no, I 
can't say that I have. 

[Mrs. Marcy has carried the fragments of 
the cup to the waste paper basket, laying them 
in one at a time. At these words she suddenly 
rises, letting the remaining bits fall chinking 
from her ajn-on.l 

Dick : Then it's pretty safe to infer that 
you never will find her here, isn't it? 

The Colonel: Ah, Dick, I've come to infer 
that I'll never find her anywhere I 



Her Superior Intelligence. 47 



Dick: Nonsense! Why, we've got to find 
her — I need her in my business! And we will 
find her if we have to search every nook and 
cranny of the United States! 

The Colonel: What do you mean, sir? 

Dick : By Jove, uncle, that's the idea ! Cin- 
derella stunt, you know, only in place of a slip- 
per we fit on a name ! "Good morning, ma'am ! 
Will you kindly tell me your name? Jones — 
Mary Jones? Ah — you won't do. Good bye!" 

The Colonel: Have you suddenly taken 
leave of all rudiments of sense — 

Dick: Oh, keep still, uncle, and go pack 
your bag! This is the greatest lark that ever 
came within a thousand miles of me ! W^e'll go 
up and down this country, north, south, east and 
west ; we'll interview every unmarried woman in 
foirty 'leven states; we'll do cities, farms and 
villages ; but by Jove — Mrs. Marcy, have I any 
clean collars — ^by Jove, if it takes a neck, we'll 
come back married! 



48 Her Superior Intelligence. 

\_He bolts through the door right; the Col- 
onel follows and roars after him,] 

The Colonel.: What do you mean, sir? 
Where are you going? 

Dick: I'm going to pack! You hurry up, 
or we'll miss that 10 :10 west. [Exit.~\ 

The Colonel [turning helplessly to Mrs. 
Marcyl : What in the name of reason, ma'am, 
am I to do? 

Mrs. Marcy [tartlyl : Why in the name of 
reason, sir, do you ask me? 

The Colonel: Ah! I don't know! 

Mrs. Marcy [coming down to small table 
and taking up her crocheting^ : Colonel, is your 
heart set on finding this — ^this woman — with the 
nuts in her name? 

The Colonel: Madame! 

Mrs. Marcy: Oh, I know! But — you are 
sure there is a woman who — 



Her Superior Intelligence. 49 

The Colonel {^pacing his rug^ : Absolutefy 
certain ! It has been my inspiration for years. 
Somewhere, ma'am, a woman lives, so indubitably 
designed by the gods for me, that her very 
thoughts begin where mine leave off — 

Mrs. Marcy: And you — you want to find 
her.'' Aren't you — comfortable now? 

The Colonel: Comfortable! 

Mrs. Marcy: Yes, yes, I know — suppose 
the wrong woman has the right name.'' 

The Colonel: Impossible, my dear Mrs. 
Marcy ! The name is to be merely the sign by 
which I shall recognize her whom I might other- 
wise unknowingly overlook. 

Mrs. Marcy: Oh! Colonel — are you very 
sure that you have — never seen — this woman? 
That she doesn't live around here — ten miles or 
60? Oh, it doesn't matter, only I thought if the 
— creature should happen to be — within reach — 
[stepping hach^ — it would be foohsh to go 
traipsing all over creation looking for her. 



so Her Superior Intelligence. 

The Colonel: Foolish, Mrs. Marcy.? 

Mrs. Marcy [^resuming her chair'] : It's all 
very well for a young blood like Dick to go off 
half cocked looking for fate ; but it's another 
thing for a man who has to have his chocolate 
at 7:37 precisely every morning — 

The Colonel: I hope, ma'am — 

Mrs. Marcy: — and his shaving water just 
the temperature of his neck and his underwear 
patched on the ow^side — 

The Colonel: I repeat, ma'am, I hope — 

Mrs. Marcy: Oh, I hope, too; but it's not 
very likely you can get baked beans for Sunday 
morning breakfast out in that new-fangled west 
among the cyclones and the suffragettes. Why, 
it's not safe for a man that doesn't even know 
how many lumps of sugar he takes in his coffee 
to travel around alone — 

The Colonel : Mrs. Marcy — 



Her Superior Intelligence. 51 



Mrs. Marcy: Just answer me one question. 
Colonel — who will you get to play checkers with 
you every evening after dinner and serve your 
coffee at eight o'clock sharp? 

The Colonel: Will you let me speak, 
ma'am.? I trust that however much I may value 
these — er — material comforts, they are not es- 
sential to my — And, besides, I shall be gone at 
most but a few months, and you will be here as 
usual when I — when we — return. 

Mrs. Marcy : Indeed I'll not 1 

The Colonel: What — 

Mrs. Marcy : Indeed I'll not be here ! Not 
one hour after that — that woman enters this 
house ! 

The Colonel: Do you dare to imply, 
ma'am — 

Mrs. Marcy: Now, don't try to argue with 



me — 



52 Her Superior Intelligence. 

The Colonel: Argue? I command! 

Mrs. Marcy: Colonel — listen to me! The 
moment your wife enters this house I leave it — 
as housekeeper! 

The Colonel [exploding^ : Then I'll not 
go ! I'll not go one step ! I'm not going to have 
any danged woman coming in here and upset- 
ting my arrangements ! \_Strides to the door, 
shouts^ : Dick — Dick, you young j ack-a-napes, 
come down here! [Trampmg ahout^: Ridicu- 
lous — absurd — preposterous — 

Dick [bursting into room, overcoat on army 
bag, tennis racket, fishing rods, etc.] : All ready 
— come on ! Got your stuff packed ? 

The Colonel: I'm not going — I tell you 
I'm not going — not one step ! 

Dick [dropping all his paraphernalia and 
shouting in the same kei/~\ : Well, don't go ! 

The Colonel: What, sir.? What — 



Her Superior Intelligence. 53 



Dick : I said — don't go ! Stay right where 
you are! 

The Colonel: Do you dare to dictate to 
me, sir? I'll go if I want to — 

Dick : Not a step ! 

The Colonel : Out of my way, sir ! 

Dick : I tell you I won't go. If you're go- 
ing to be so darned contrary — 

The Colonel: Contrary.? How dare you.? 
I'll show you who runs this house — 

Mrs. Marcy [quietly^'. Just a moment, 
please ! 

Both Men: Eh.? 

Mrs. Marcy: I think the Colonel is quite 
right. Of course he wants to go. 

The Colonel [dropping the hat he has 
snatched from the rach^ : Eh.? 



54 Her Superior Intelligence. 

Mrs. Marcy: He's tired of the humdrum 
life we lead here — every day just like every other 
day, books and work and checkers at night — he 
wants change, excitement — gaiety. 

The Colonel: Gaiety.? 

Dick: But, my goodness, Mrs. Marcy — 

Mrs. Marcy : And of course he is impatient 
to find his bride — ^to have a gay young woman 
in the house, who will fill these quiet rooms with 
song and laughter — 

The Colonel: Laughter? They giggle, 
ma'am, giggle ! I never saw a woman yet — 

Mrs. Marcy: — to beguile the hours with 
merry chatter — 

The Colonel: Chatter? Good Lord, I 
can't have anybody chattering — 

Mrs. Marcy: — and break up our dull rou- 
tine with pleasure trips and parties — 



Her Superior Intelligence. 55 



The Colonel: Me — me go to parties? I 
tell you, ma'am — 

Mrs. Marcy {rising and going to Dick'\ : 
Oh, she may be a sweet young thing right out of 
boarding school — 

The Colonel : Ye gods ! 

Mrs. Marcy: As tender and fresh as a let- 
tuce sandwich — 

The Colonel: What — 

Mrs. Marcy : And you would keep him from 
rushing to her arms.-^ 

The Colonel [striking the table a terrible 
blow] : Mrs. Marcy ! I want to tell you one 
thing, ma'am, once for all ! There's not a woman 
Hving on this globe, fate or no fate, name or no 
name, whom I would tolerate for one moment in 
this house, except — [He stops, he gasps, his 
jaw drops. She turns slowly and looks at him. 



56 Her Superior Intelligence. 

As if in a dream, held in the spell of an epoch- 
makvng idea, he approaches her.^ Mrs. Marcy 
— what is your name? 

Mrs. Marcy; My name.? \_She takes a 
stitch or two on her work, her face blank. ^ My 
name is — Hazel. 

Dick: HazeL? 

The Colonel: Hazel? 

Dick {louder^ : Hazel ! 

The Colonel [^still louder^ : Hazel ! 

Both [very loud^ : Hazel — 

Together \_shouting'\ : Hazel Nuttz! 

[The crocheting falls from her hands, which 
the Colonel clutches. Dick, with a whoop of de- 
light, bursts into a roar of laughter. ~\ 



Her Superior Intelligence. 57 



Dick : Hazel Nuttz — ^by Jove, Hazel Nuttz ! 
Oh, I say, that's— 4:liat's—HaHaHa ! Hazel 
Nuttz ! I wanted to go off looking for a woman 
who — and all the time — oh, by Jove, that's — 
HaHaHa ! I say, uncle, it's hazelnuts for you, 
peanuts for her and — 

[For the first time he looks at the two, and 
sounds die on his lips. The pair are as utterly 
tmcanscious of his presence as if he were even 
then in Florida. The Colonel's hands have 
clasped hers, slipped to her elbows, her shoulders, 
drawn her close; and they are gazing into each 
other's eyes like two new creatures in a just- 
created world. '\ 
— and pecans for me ! 

[Open-mouthed, he hacks of toward the 
door, trips over his belongi/ngs on the floor, picks 
them up, and backs off again.] 

The Colonel: Darling! 

Dick [disgusted] : The old nut head ! [Eait, 
hag and baggage.'] 



58 Her Superior Intelligence. 

The Colonel: And to think I hare lored 
jou for ten years — and didn't know it ! 

Mrs. Mab-cy: But I knew it — Percj. 

She lays her head on his shoulder and 

THE CURTAIN FALLS. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRhSS 




016 103 428 9 



